Every day, we have relationships with our significant others, our children, extended family members, neighbors, bosses, coworkers and within our communities. We have relationships with our pets and even with ourselves.
All of these interactions with others can create stress in a person’s life. Ineffective communication with others can create feelings of inadequacy. There are five main reasons people have trouble in their relationships:
Lack of skill: You don’t know what to say or do to get what you want.
Worries: Something bad may happen if you communicate a need or a feeling. You may not believe you deserve to get what you’re asking for.
Emotions: Your emotions get in the way of effectively communicating your wants and needs.
Uncertainty: You’re not exactly sure what you want.
Other people: Others may not understand what you’re asking for. They may invalidate you, which means that even though you do your best, you don't feel that you’ve been heard.
The cycle of miscommunication often creates conflict and disruption in important relationships, which can then create troubles in other aspects of life, such as lowering work performance or disrupting sleep and eating patterns; it can even exacerbate physical or mental illness.
The good news is that “Interpersonal Effectiveness” (how to improve communication) can be learned.
Listen
Effective listening can help the speaker feel heard, respected and understood. It builds stronger relationships. It creates a safe environment to express ideas and feelings and can help to reduce conflict. People yell and argue less and remain more calm when they feel heard and respected.
Use your body language to show that you’re interested in what the person has to say:
- Stop what you’re doing and give your full attention to the speaker
- Face them, make eye contact, smile, lean in, keep an open posture
- Show that you’re listening- nod your head, say “yes” or “uhuh”
- Avoid interrupting. Listening is not the same as waiting for your turn to talk.
- Don’t judge. You don’t have to like or agree with someone’s ideas to listen to them.
- Validate the other person. Show that you understand what the other person is saying.
How to Validate:
Repeat back what you hear to check for understanding. Remember to include the feeling conveyed and the content of the words. For example, “You’re excited because you got tickets to the concert you want to see,” or “You’re disappointed because you worked hard and still got a bad grade on your exam.”
Respond seriously and with caring (with or without words). If someone is crying, give them a tissue or a hug.
Show tolerance. If someone is mad, listen closely for what they’re mad about. Don’t laugh at them or tell them they’re wrong. Don’t discount what they’re saying, even if you disagree.
How to Effectively Express Yourself
Take a moment to calm down before speaking. This helps you to be more in control of your words and avoids guilt and regret for saying something purely from emotion. I strongly encourage you to notice when you're getting upset, tell the other person what you're talking about is important and ask if you can discuss it further after you've had a chance to think things over. It may be a good idea to set a time and place to come back to discuss the issue. This strategy gives you both time to calm down, process the disagreement and figure out how you can express yourselves more effectively.
Use “I Statements”. Here’s the formula, “I feel _insert emotion_ when you _describe behavior objectively_. Please __ describe what you’d like to be different__.” Her are two examples, “I feel proud when you help with the dishes. Please keep up the good work, “ or “I feel embarrassed when you talk with your mouth full. Please wait until you swallow before speaking.”
Why is Effective Communication Important?
It feels good to be heard. Relationships improve. Confidence increases. You get more of what you want, because you ask! Other people are more willing to listen to you when you listen to them. Others are more willing to compromise when they understand your point of view. Best of all, it improves your own awareness of your wants, needs and motivations.
These simple steps can help anyone to become better at communication. They’re one step in the right direction to improve your relationships. Best Regards to you.
